I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
