I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize