I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
