3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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