I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
