I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
