It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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