**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
