I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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