someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
