I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
