this beer tastes like vomit already
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
