His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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