Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
