The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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