When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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