no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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