I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
