He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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