when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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