Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize