just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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