made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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