last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it was like eating out sand paper
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
