You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
