the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
