Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
