I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
