Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
