nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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