1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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