bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
