I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
