At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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