glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
