I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize