youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
