I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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