we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
