it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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