she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
