i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
