In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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