I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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