it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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