In the future we'll all be gay
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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