My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
