My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
