"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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