ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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