I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
