new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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