At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
