I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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