and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
