Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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